Without actually telling them

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Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash
  1. “I just had the weirdest dream. It was really long and super detailed. I will now tell you all about it.”
  2. “I bought toilet paper. It’s one-ply.”
  3. “I always put the milk in first.”
  4. “I noticed you still had the protective film on your new phone. I took it off for you.”
  5. “I bought you these cookies. They’re oatmeal raisin.”
  6. “Remember that episode of your favourite TV show where your favourite character dies? No? Sorry, my bad. I thought everyone knew.”
  7. “I signed you up for tap dancing lessons for single adults. Yes, I gave them your real number.”
  8. “If you were a pizza, you’d be covered in pineapple.”
  9. “The bin is too full. Can you hold this tampon while I put in a new one?”
  10. “Remember that game you lose when you start thinking about it?”


Humour

Confessions of a kosmemophobic

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Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

My phone has this thing where it recommends news articles I might be interested in. It’s based on some algorithm overseeing my internet history, which is scary. Especially considering most of these recommended articles are either about murder or Rupaul’s Drag Race.

But yesterday, I was shown a different article. One about Taylor Momsen — someone I haven’t thought about since 2012. The title? The Pretty Reckless Taylor Momsen: ​“This year has taught me to appreciate the small things in life”

Well, lucky for you, Taylor. I envy you your privilege. Some of us don’t have it as easy. Not all of us are so fortunate. …


Humour

Being emotionally open and honest is overrated anyway

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Photo by Henrikke Due on Unsplash

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s tomatoes. If there are two things I hate, it’s talking about my feelings. And tomatoes. Did I mention how much I despise tomatoes?

I don’t trust people who find it easy to talk about their feelings. I mean, it’s 2020. By now, we should all be broken and repressed. Right?

I’m a professional at being a closed book. It’s all about the subtext with me. If I was to write an autobiography about my life, the title would be I’m fine. The subtitle? I swear I’m fine, I’m always fine. And the subtitle of the subtitle?


Humor

One thousand percent not worth your time

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Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

I have to self-isolate. For two weeks. Again.

This was in September. I just moved back to the UK after spending the summer with my family. And so it happened that I was in a new, empty flat, looking at the blank walls, desperately clinging onto what was left of my sanity. I only brought 3 books with me and had an internet connection that allowed me to load emails, but not Netflix. How was I going to fill the next two weeks?

That’s when it hit me.

This is perfect. I have all the time I need. Now I can finally get rich by answering online surveys.


Don’t drag yourself down. Lift yourself up.

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Photo by Drop the Label Movement on Unsplash

I’ve always been terrible at practising self-love. I find it way too easy to get swept away in the rush of life and forget to treat myself right. It’s something I’ve been struggling with ever since I can remember.

But self-love is important, no matter how easy it is for us to put it on the backburner. How you treat yourself affects your life more than you’d think.

I only recently realized the full scope of his. How I feel about myself impacts things like what I make myself eat. How good my sleep schedule is. How high my anxiety gets. How much I talk to my friends and family. …


Remember you’re not the villain (but you’re not the victim either)

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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

At the beginning of 2020, I’d never thought I’d be writing this — but here we are. This year has been unforgettable in many ways for us all. But putting all global events aside, 2020 has brought a lot of surprises to my personal life, too — one of the most painful being that I fell out with a friend.

A friend who, for the last 10 years of my life, I considered to be my closest person. She was someone I called my best friend, someone I relied on being in my life until the day I die. …


You don’t need to spend any money to achieve fluency

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Photo by Robo Wunderkind on Unsplash

There are many myths about learning a new language. A lot of them go something like this:

“You can’t learn a language without traveling to the country where they speak it.”

“You have to pay for a course led by a professional. You can’t do this on your own.”

“You need to buy all these expensive textbooks, otherwise you won’t have enough reliable learning resources.”

All of these snippets of advice have two things in common:

  1. They cost a lot of money.
  2. They truly are only myths.

I’ve been learning languages most of my life — since I was 8 years old, really. A lot of the time this has been in a school environment. I’ve done university courses, school classes, and language institute lessons. But I’ve also done a lot of learning by myself. Right now, I’m learning Norwegian, and I am doing so on my own. I’m not paying for or buying anything, either. …


Is your mum hot?

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Photo by Etty Fidele on Unsplash

Dating is a minefield. First dates especially can be nerve-racking. They can make or break your potential relationship, which is what makes them so stressful.

I’ve been on a couple of first dates in my life and while some turned out lovely, others were what I would call disastrous. Really, the range is from slightly amusing to downright creepy.

What I’ve learned over the years is that there are certain things that you shouldn’t do on a first date. Or shouldn’t say. I have decided to short-list some of these and use them both as light entertainment and a general warning for anyone who is thinking of taking someone out for the first time. …


I lost actual memories because I dreaded being queer.

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Photo by Joe Ciciarelli on Unsplash

When I was 14, I met this girl. I fell for her hard and fast.

My love for her was intense, far more than anything I’d ever experienced before.

But she was a girl, and so was I. So, when it came down to it, I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t stand by her. I wasn’t ready to be queer.

I did the only thing I could — I forgot about her. And I mean that literally. I completely erased all traces of her from my memory.

No queers in small towns

This all happened years ago. Back then, I lived in a small town in the Czech Republic. Which, as you can imagine, wasn’t the place to be queer. …


All my classes are via Zoom and my telephone phobia doesn’t like it

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Photo by Dylan Ferreira on Unsplash

University started a few weeks ago, and it’s through Zoom. All my classes are held online, with the whole (video) call system replacing face-to-face lessons. And while this makes perfect sense in the light of the current situation, it can be difficult for someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having Zoom lessons. I understand why this is the best way to protect ourselves and others. In fact, I am quite happy that many universities made the decision to do this. But still.

I have telephone phobia.

So, I’m not having fun.

What is telephone phobia?

Telephone phobia can be defined as “the irrational fear or discomfort with speaking over the phone”.It is believed to be connected to social anxiety. …

About

Veronika Jel

23 | UK | she/her | Socially inept writer, modern languages student and aspiring time traveller. https://linktr.ee/veronikajel

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